No.

I am past the stage of my life where I just thoughtlessly do everything to please men, but I’m sitting here so very uncomfortably denying a man’s desire (not sexual, just mundane.) I’m happy to have reached a point of maturity and healing where I can do this but boy is it uncomfortable.

My brain telling me he’s going to hate me and kick me out, or he’ll go sleep with someone else because I don’t cater to his every need. It’s not him that taught me these things, but he does benefit from them being taught to me, and he doesn’t even realize it.

He doesn’t know how anxious I get if I think I’m not doing everything correctly, or when he stays out all night, or we barely see each other through the week and I don’t know where he’s been. I start to ask myself, “Have I been perfect? Am I just a modern concubine? Is there someone he loves more?” Even as I sit here, my mind twists it. Was it his desire, or mine?

I cannot allow myself to be chipped away, so I say “no.” “No, I will do what I want, I will be true to myself, I am not a servant or a concubine.” I love him so much but I won’t be eroded.