You know those old cartoons where they’d shoot at someone’s feet and they’d have to avoid the bullets (I think that used to happen irl too)? Yeah, that’s how it feels trying to date.
Even if I explicitly state I’m celibate indefinitely. (As in, no you can’t rush me into a relationship just to put a label on it so I’ll have sex with you.)Even if I make it very clear that I will not break that (and have not for a year).Even if I make it clear I’m looking for a relationship.I don’t even drink on dates because I refuse to let down my inhibitions.
All in all, dating is no longer fun and carefree for me.
I’m still having to dodge guys who think they’re the “exception” or can convince/coerce me.
And the worst part is because as a black woman with a curvier body not normally seen where I am, dating in a European country that is predominantly white, I can’t even date and have fun/sex at the same time because I am constantly being used as someone’s “first” experience with a black girl or “big tits.”
There is no “oh we were supposed to be casual/a one night stand but fell in love,” love story for me. I have to date very cautiously and intentionally because I feel like fucking prey most times.
I have to deny myself pleasure because frankly, fucking someone I know is going to ghost me after is NOT pleasurable. Being in my head the entire time like “does he even like me? is he playing with my tits too much because that’s all he wanted? am i being used?” isn’t fun.
And what hurts the most is that these guys will cosplay wanting a relationship, cosplay being okay with my celibacy, they’ll pretend they want to know me for me. Then they’ll ghost when they realize what I fucking told them all along. We’re not humping.
So then I’m left feeling like it was all a lie. He never liked me. And no one ever will like me for all I have to offer because I’m nothing but a conquest. And I get to watch all my cute nonblack skinny friends get chased after for relationships left and right, while I’m dodging attempted one night stands like bullets. (I know often times they’re also being chased due to certain fetishizations and objectifications that also make them trophies but in different ways. Sometimes it feels like I’d rather have THAT poison than the one I have to stomach now.)
I’m just tired.