I just wondered if anyone here might relate, or have advice for me.
I’ve been kind of bored, kind of lonely, lately, and interpreted that as me finally being ready for another romantic relationship. So I got on some dating apps, fielded some interest, had some conversations. I noticed in myself that as soon as someone expresses attraction to me, wants to kiss me or sleep with me, I kind of feel like I emotionally shut off. And I think I’ve clocked that the issue is that I don’t want romantic love, I want intimate, caring, almost parental love.
The songs “Cradle” by Paris Paloma and “Never Have Sex” by Leith Ross kind of capture the feeling well.
I am a trans woman, and have had severe issues with my parents for over a decade since I was a teenager because of that, and before that there was never really an intimate or caring relationship between us, not since I was a young child anyway. And my romantic relationships/flirtationships have all been somewhat negative – controlling, overly intense, sometimes uncomfortable or dangerous. And I think those two things are why I feel like I do – I want to be valued and loved, but I really don’t want that to be founded in expectations of fucking, of being attractive or desirable, or anything aside from just valuing me as a person. It feels like I want/need that as a baseline before I’d consider physical intimacy, but I wonder if that’s fair to expect of another person, and I wonder how even attainable that would be.
And I’m just kinda wondering… what do I do with that? If I don’t want to date people or meet people who find me attractive, and react negatively when people express that attraction, I don’t think I’m ready to or want to date. And I don’t know how realistic it is to hope to find that kind of love without dating someone, but it feels like something I’m sorely missing, or looking for?
Idk, I feel like there must be others who have felt similarly, and I’d love advice or perspective if anyone who sees this feels like sharing.