I have to sides of my brain fighting here.
I have a long history of my partners getting back with their exs. Almost every single person I’ve been with, casual or serious, has cheated, usually with an ex. It’s comical at this point. So I vowed in my next relationship to not even bother engaging with someone who is still talking to their ex or freshly out of a relationship.
But of course just my luck…. The guy I just started seeing, is talking to his ex. He wasn’t at first. A couple weeks in to us seeing each other he said his ex came to town and asked to see him, because she’s leaving the country soon and wants to catch up.
It made me really uneasy but we’re so new So it wasn’t that big a deal nor did I feel like it was my place to say anything. And I assumed it was a “one last chat” meet up which I honestly don’t mind
Well I stayed the holiday weekend with him and woke up to her calling his phone. The day before that I noticed her name on his phone screen light up.
I did call him out and he didn’t get defensive but he did deflect. He said they’re just friends and brought up how I talked to other people too in the start. I did. And I was open about it. It was before we were exclusive. then he said he wouldn’t care if I talked to exs in theory but the reason he would is because I have shitty exs (he’s right) but he and his has a normal healthy breakup. And he wouldn’t want me “talking to shitty people in general” that’s why it’s “different if he doesn’t (and again this is kinda valid. My exs were abusive and it doesn’t make sense if I talked to them)
So now it’s It’s important to note I’ve technically had access to his phone since we met. I never have looked through it. We listen to a lot of music and his phone is the aux so I have his code to change songs.
The day after I see her call, I woke up before him. I couldn’t find my phone so I went to find his so I could use it to call mine. I go to type his pass code (which had worked Just the day before when I was using Spotify on it + which was also the day I confronted him about his ex calling) And suddenly it wasn’t working
Not only was his passcode not working anymore but his ex had more text on the Lock Screen (I couldn’t see the previews. He used to have previews on when we met). I brought it to him and asked him to use it to call mine and
I called him out on this too. I just said hey man I wasn’t gunna look through it but you must admit the timing is a little fishy. He said he just suspected I’d look through it after our last conversation and that made him uncomfy because his whole life is on there
Which is understandable because I wouldn’t want someone to look through mine either….but I never planned to look though it.
And why was this only an issue after I noticed he were very friendly with your ex?
They had apparently been no contact for a few months before this and they only just now became friends again then they met up.
I’m really torn because I like this guy a LOT and he hasn’t given me any reason to assume distrust. He’s actually been the one pushing the relationship, wanting to be exclusive, wanting to introduce me as his girlfriend ect. and my rational side doesn’t actually see an issue with this ex thing…Cus on paper, i think it’s a green flag to be on good terms with your ex. But it’s one thing to be in good terms versus calling/texting every single day…….
It’s making me so incredibly anxious that this is the only thing making me want to drop him, even though we’ve been very serious and passionate and it’s going so well.
I don’t want trauma from old relationships to prevent me from having new relationships with people. And I think it’s way too new for me to ask him to not speak to her. Also I don’t think one can really ask that of someone, it would cause resentment.
What do I do?! Is this actually an issue or is this some emotional ptsd making it an issue in my head?