To start I’m very high while writing thing so it is one of those run on thoughts I will one call myself a deep thinker over.
I’m just sitting here thinking about my future and hopes and dream. And I’m thinking about my hope to have a kid. And I’m thinking of like educational things about pregnancy I’ve watched and like how it looks like how from point a to point b it should be one of the most painful things ever. Then I thought of the fetus like kicking is legs and all that and like how sometimes it looks like they are trying to bust out (then I thought of aliens for a brief moment). But then in the process of thinking through those thoughts I tried to also remember when I was excited to ever one day be pregnant like without being scared of it, but I couldn’t and I realized my fear of pregnancy has always been more powerful like to the point I have always said I wanted kids I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt more than the want to birth more humans to exploit. And I just think I cant actually remember a time I wasn’t pretending to be hopeful and not terrified. I think of only worst case scenario pregnancies. Like some thing grows inside you and kicks your internal organs. My baby sister kicked so hard once she sprained my moms ribs. That’s terrifying! And don’t get me started on labor and delivery!
In this moment I am so grateful for my pcos…