Today as I was scrolling on Instagram, I found a post of a Virginia Woolf quote that said “Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?” and made the horrible mistake of looking through the comments section. Long story short, the comments section was full of sexist comments from men (and some women with internalized misogyny) that were really upsetting and put me on edge. The comments were essentially people saying that men are inherently more interesting than women, that women are inherently less capable and intelligent than men, and that God made this world For men, not women (basically that men are the default humans).
I sent some of the comments to my boyfriend trying to vent about the fact that it makes me feel very sad and afraid to know that so many men in the world think of me this way just because of the type of genitalia that I was born with. This is something that I have struggled with my entire life — living with the knowledge that I am considered inherently inferior by so many people because I am female. I was upset by those specific commenters, not my boyfriend. But somehow he made it all about him. He thought that when I said “I hate how men think this way,” that I was including him in that. But when I say “men” I am talking about the men who view women this way, because a lot of them do. I am well-aware that he does not think like this, and I told him that. But it didn’t really get me anywhere. Whenever I complain about what some men do or how women are often treated by men in general, he thinks it’s about him because he is male — even though I stress that it is not. I was just looking for support because I was stressed out by those comments; I was not trying to generalize or imply that he is like those men. But he thought that I was, so he basically said “Fine, you’re right, I see women as nothing but inferior sex dolls and I am evil because I am a man” even though I NEVER said or even thought that he might think this way. I have only ever complained about the fact that many men do. Many does not mean all.
He is pretty much accusing me of hating men now because of my beliefs. And I literally do not hate men at all. I only hate men who hurt women because I am a woman who was also a victim of SA (and more than once). I am neurodivergent so I have always struggled with gender expectations and feeling accepted for who I am on top of that. I think that feminism is about supporting women, understanding the struggles that they face, ensuring that they have certain rights and liberties, protecting them from male violence, treating them fairly, and so on. That’s what it means to me. I’m grateful for the feminists before me who earned me the right to work and to vote; if I said I wasn’t I would be a massive hypocrite. However, my boyfriend seems to misunderstand my beliefs and not comprehend what feminism is and isn’t. Once upon a time, he never argued with me about any of this. But over time, any time I complained about what men sometimes do to women, he internalized it and thought I was talking about him. Lately he has somehow concluded that all feminism is about hating and abusing men (???). Even though in reality, feminism is also about doing away with standards that hurt men too! Not too long ago he outright said that he hates feminism. And it is clearly because he thinks that feminism is about hating men, abusing men, and double standards… He rants about how bad men have it and says that they don’t get any support (I agree that men deserve more support but feminism is not the reason why they lack it). Recently he saw one post online from a feminist that said that it’s OK for women to cheat, but not men. He sent it to me and said “See? Feminism sucks and is just about hurting men.” But that one post is not representative of all feminists. I don’t know any feminists who excuse cheating or genuine abuse just because a woman did it. Now whenever I talk about gender-related issues he thinks that I am trying to abuse or insult him. So I can no longer go to him when I’m upset about these things I guess. His responses just make me feel worse, and misunderstood.
He says that because he is a man, he is not protected by society. I guess he really doesn’t understand the fact that society is largely engineered for men. He said “And women are trained by feminism that abusing good men is good because bad men did bad things.” He accused me of thinking HE is inferior because he is a man too! And that he is a rapist! Eventually he said “I guess it sucks for you that people think those things and that is undeniable and I understand that” (about the comments) and “But why don’t you and other women understand how it must suck for me?” Maybe this is all my fault because a few times here and there I made some silly jokes about how men don’t want to learn how to cook their own meals and stuff like that. I don’t know. I just feel really overwhelmed right now and I don’t really feel comfortable being intimate with him given all of this 🙁