She had a really bad childhood, and it’s caused a lot of vulnerable mentalities. If she loves someone, she will literally change who she is to match them. I’m pretty sure it’s a defense mechanism, like you just try to make yourself as appealing as possible to the person you desire a relationship with, so they don’t have a reason to reject you?
Anyway, her first marriage was toxic- like abusing her and making her think it was her fault toxic. During most of that time, she agreed with whatever he said, and did all sorts of gymnastics to make their view HER view. It was driving her to the point of wanting to end it all, and some of her inner circle (including me) were able to convince her to leave him.
Not even a full year after that relationship, she ends up going back with an ex she never married. I never liked this person in the past either- because while her ex husband didn’t flaunt his toxic traits, this guy did. BUT when she escaped, this guy swooped in and behaves like he can give her the happily ever after she always wanted. So she left everyone that helped her get out (and explicitly said ‘even if you like ‘ex’ don’t jump in to a new relationship just yet, you’re in a fragile state’), moved in with him.
As far as I can tell, it’s at least not straight up physical abuse. But the man plays emotions like it was a damn sport- he makes her feel like she’s the only one that can save him from his tragic backstory, and then drags her down with him whenever he wants misery instead of a savior. I’d watched her gradually regain who she was after she left her ex husband, and now she’s becoming that shell again because that’s how HE likes her.
I’m just so tired- any time I’ve tried to tactfully point out this guy is bad news, she says how he ‘saved her life by being there for her’ and ‘would probably die if she left him now’ (you know, the mental gymnastics previously stated?). He causes problems in their community ‘but it’s not like that’, he’s unable to find a new job and she’s left paying his bills ‘but it’s not like that’, every time she does something independent he has an episode ‘but it’s not like that’.
I’m literally watching her isolate herself worse than when she was with the first guy. Outside of our occasional chats, she has no one else left aside from coworkers in her life, like EVERYONE has been cancelled because of how they talked down about her new relationship.
I just don’t know what to do. Her decisions are starting to negatively impact me, too, because I feel like I’m only enabling at this point. And if I do put my foot down and distance myself, it will be exactly what that trash of a man wants.
For the love of Christ, has anyone else been through this, and what did you do?
TLDR: A friend who had an abusive childhood is stuck in the cycle and I just want to get her out, dammit.