I have this messed up idea that somehow, because I am not in a relationship, I am not supposed to be enjoying certain activities like going to the restaurant, traveling and so on. Obviously, I am not dumb and I am aware that this idea is hella dumb, but I guess it stems from the fact that my family has been dysfunctional (parents never did things together, always fought, mother criticized everything she couldn’t have) + the fact that all around me are couples who do things together.
I try to not deprive myself of the same activities or I do them with friends, but I still feel like somehow I am not a full human being, just because I do not have an established partner to do these things with. On the one hand, I feel like the “crazy women” my mom used to criticize because they lived life on their terms instead of complaining about everything and being miserable with my deadbeat dad, on the other hand, the last thing I want to do is throw myself into a relationship just for the sake of having an emotionally stunted partner who might or might not do certain activities with me.
In fact, I enjoy being single from an emotional perspective, the only problem is that I can’t do stuff by myself because I feel like I don’t deserve it as a single. Like, somehow not being in a relationship makes me an inadequate human being, not quite a proper adult. It is messed up because the idea the ownership comes to mind, like I need to tie my identity to another person to be able to feel confident about my choices. I feel that if I had a partner to support my desires to travel, to go hiking, they would seem more valid in my eyes, but also society’s than what a “crazy woman” wants to do who is looking for bad things to happen by exposing herself to new situations.
So, I end up spending most my time off indoors, feeling miserable and then resenting my happily coupled workmates who went hiking/to the restaurant. etc. What is certain is that I feel frustrated all the time because I am missing out on life and not enjoying it properly because of my own stupidity. When I end up doing something, it comes with a ton of guilt.
Ever felt like this and how did you find your own way? I feel like it never changes no matter how many times I actually do those activities by myself, I am still miserable. Also, yes, I am discussing this with my therapist, it is definitely an identity thing as well because of enmeshment. I am just trying to figure out if other women have felt the same way.