I was bullied as a kid and as a teenager. The boys in my class used to call me demeaning names only because I was fat. Well I was obese but still. They used to say that I wasn’t a real woman, because everyone else in my class was light and small like a feather.
I am not obese now and I have lost most of the weight and while I am still a little chubby I recognise that I do look good, above average. (I have been told that)
But I don’t feel it, ever, I feel like a monster, I feel like no man would ever look at me like that. I feel quite worthless in that regard.
There’s this look of power, pride and sexiness on most women’s faces and when I look at them I just feel like they will trample over me with their boyfriends or the parade of men that are attracted to them.
It makes me cry, I don’t feel jealous I just feel sad. I have painfully accepted that I am not worth it.
And then there’s my sister to rub it all in. I love her and she loves me too but I never bring it up that her being skinny bothers me(because it’s not her fault). She gets every guy she wants and all I have ever gotten are comments about my weight (yes, still, I live in a country where the beauty standards are all about being skinny and fair, you know like in korea)and rejections.
And this is after I am not ugly, do my make up, take care of myself, have clear skin and wear dresses.