Am I the only woman who feels this way?

I’ve never had a loving and caring relationship with a woman. If I ever did I pushed them away. As a woman I feel pathetic about not having a loving mother or mother figure in my life. My mother saw me as a rival. My many aunts hate me because of the hatred they have for my mother. My grandma was the only person who loved me in my family. My female teacher’s whom I held on to dear life because I was so alone in this world saw me at my lowest. Same with friends mother’s and grandma’s. There’s no going back from that. I just burned all bridges with them all from shame of the failure I am and of what they got to see, me at my nadir. I have so much potential but am afraid of failure so I play it safe. I’m thinking of doing the military, active duty, but I don’t want to go alone. I wish I could marry a girl best friend so I can get a home on base and be able to move my dogs with me. I have no female friends though. I’m still in search of a best friend bride so I can be able to live with my puppies and not be alone. They’re all I have and if I must I’ll even get prematurely married to a man just to have them by my side but that’s totes what I’m avoiding to do.