What is it like being you?

Your past is always haunting you, you’re afraid of building relationships because you feel as though they’re going to hurt you in the end, but also don’t want to be alone. You expect and think about the worst outcomes of everything because you have been conditioned to expect them to happen. You don’t count on anyone or anything, because to rely, love, hope, or feel comfortable only sparks a paranoia of it being taken away. You don’t want pain but would rather settle for it if as long as it doesn’t get any worse than the pain of just existing. You don’t want to go to sleep because you don’t want to lose time, but can’t get up because of the fear that you’ll just spend another day paranoid about your body, mind, the people around you or dreading the next piece of horrible news that could come from any direction. You desperately reach for peace, but are chained by the world, and worse, yourself.